nEUrosis

A candidate’s guide to joining the EU

May 28th, 2007 by le ideoblogue

Enlargement is one of the few EU policies on which every European has an opinion. It is also one of the few policies characterised by a consistent approach, if not always by a clear goal. Having followed closely the Fifth Enlargement, nEUrosis offers a Cosmopolitan-style guide to aspiring EU members - take notes, follow the steps and you might get in.

* Don’t cosy up with Washington

If you want to join our gang, you shouldn’t be too good chums with the Americans. This is particularly true since the brawls on Iraq, but is an old maxim - don’t forget that Charles de Gaulle vetoed Britain’s application for membership in the European Communities twice - in 1963 and in 1967, on grounds of geopolitics and too close ties with the US. If you want in, and if you are not Britain - go for the French fries, not the Freedom fries.

* Ignore what Commission experts think

Several candidates have wasted useful resources by wining and dining the Commission experts that come to assess their progress, hoping to secure a positive report. This is an exercise in futility, since the very mechanism for writing the progress reports is political, and not technical in character. The impressions of the experts are only used within the Commission; they are grouped, regrouped, altered and digested at several administrative levels, until they reach the College of Commissioners, who also add their impressions - and by the time the report sees the light of day, it is very different from the original experts’ contributions. According to the Commission’s political line, the final report underlines some criticisms, softens others, and veils yet others in vague wording. For example, a 2003 report stated that Romania ”can be considered a functioning market economy if the good progress to date continues decisively”. No Commission economist working on the field in a candidate country would come up with something like that. So, spare the fancy dinners and the bibulous 20-year-old translators. Warning: do not miss an occasion to wine and dine Commissioners themselves.

* Ignore what the Commission thinks in general

Anyone in the Commission from the lowest intern all the way to the President would deny that - but progress reports are not all that important to member states, who take the final decision on who goes in and who stays out of the club. Sounds too extreme to be true? Here is an example - in 1976 the Commission recommended to postpone accession talks with Greece and wrote a number of reports to this end. Nevertheless, negotiations started the same year and finished soon after. Somehow, at the time there were more important considerations that Brussels - for example the Cold War and the extremely eurosceptic socialist government of Costas Karamanlis, who was very well received in Moscow. See? At the end of the day, it does not really matter what Brussels says. Warning - cosying up with Moscow won’t help your membership prospects if you are Ukraine or Belarus.

* Make friends with the Brits, but make best friends with the Germans

Britain is one of the staunchest supporters of enlargement, with the not-so-cunning plan to weaken the continental push for closer integration. So, whoever you are, you have a friend there, but make sure you don’t have a legacy of illegal workers squatting in London’s parks and dining on Her Majesty’s swans.

Germany’s position is exactly the opposite, and hence you should really go on a charm offensive with it. Berlin has demanded stricter criteria for the countries of the Fifth Enlargement and has made life difficult for most new members during negotiations. But the good thing is, Germany is known to have favourites, and this is your chance - do as Poland did, and become Berlin’s sweetheart, and you are in. Warning - this does not work if you are Turkey.

* Tell the French that you love them

Jacques Rupnik has said it long before us - “France needs to be told that it is loved”. There is an endless supply of pleasant initiatives here - become members in the Francophony; exhibit affinity to French culture, art, food, women - it is not difficult. Warning - does not help if you are a socialist, but also if you don’t believe in the French social model; also if you are Turkey, do not speak French, prefer Italian wine, or believe Materazzi was right.

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