The Story of Saakashvili and Okruashvili
November 6th, 2007 by jibs
It is year 2007. Age of revolutions. Evil is everywhere. Governments have become oppressive. In one country, in one city, he had it enough. He is the Punisher (Irakli Okruashvili).
Years ago, revolution defeated the evil ruler (Eduard Shevarnadze). For years, the revolution is celebrated, streets are named after this historical date, rose becomes an unofficial symbol of the country, the history had just begun…
The head revolutionary (Misha Saakashvili) likes to travel, talk about the dark ages before the revolution, about the bright future of his people and about the economic growth he managed to foster. He also likes to attend opening ceremonies of newly built fountains, fun parks, movie theaters, 
circuses, concerts featuring decades-old performers. His hobbies include eating, skiing, relaxing, reciting poems, irking the evil Russians, pinning medals on heroes, making promises and glorifying democracy.
He was nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize — but some woman responsible for planting 30 million trees beat him. Unfair he thought it was — after all in his countries the trees grow at an unprecedented 14% rate… The fastest in the world.
He made his name in hunting down the corrupt officials from previous dark ages. Many were caught live on TV — making the show “catch that sucker!” the most widely viewed in the country. Those culprits would later be let go after returning the money they plundered — this money was put into a special fund, which was kept secret because the enemies really needed to know how much gold was in there.
Things looked good for Misha. Applause accompanied his every move. He started to believe that he was moved by the force able to solve all the problems of his country. And the country had a lot of problems, thanks to the previous evil rulers.
But the roots of evil laid somewhere else, in the northern former-mighty, but emerging empire of the evil, where Misha’s success was scorned because of his allegiance to the other far far away empire.
Misha liked the idea of being the front fighter of the empire hostile to the northern evil doers. He bashed the northerners at every given opportunity, thinking that Nobel Peace Prize would definitely be awarded to him for protecting democracy. Only he overestimated the support of his favorite empire, and underestimated the vengeance of the Northern evil doers.
Things didn’t go as planned — his people were indeed happy to see the fountains, cinemas, fun parks and other fun things, but they still were unhappy at the dwindling number of gold pieces in their pockets. Many didn’t have any at all.
Like in every democracy, Misha allowed the opposition to exist. Within the limits of course — as long they didn’t have money, power, unity and support from the population, he was content with having them around. The opposition tried in vain to counter Misha’s popularity, charisma and way of having fun. They disliked each-other more than Misha — he was a fun guy after all, not like those uncooperative, greedy opposition suckers who only wanted to come to power.
How funky — Misha thought.
Misha had many Generals fighting in the name of democracy — remember, democracy is not popular in the region dominated by the evil northern empire. Those Generals liked to call themselves the Jedi Ministers.
At times, Misha would value their allegiance more than their evil doing — some were involved in unpopular controversies, some were corrupt, but that was fine, as long as they didn’t want to take his place. One of the strongest Ministers died from a faulty gas appliance — an unlikely fate. Many didn’t believe this story, but, that was the official story.
Misha didn’t like to hear bad news, so he always chose to look at the bright side. But the newspapers liked to talk about the bad news. So, he decided not to read them — instead he liked to dig into the praise he got from the newspapers from his favorite empire. He liked what he read there.
One particular Minister, Irakli Okruashvili, known for his unsmiling expression and bitter words, started slowly to become popular among Misha’s people — especially that he headed the Defense Ministry and wanted to use force against the separatists around the country.
Irakli was especially disliked in the northern empire, probably even more than Misha.
Something happened between the two men, and Misha assigned him to a different Ministry — Ministry of Economy. Irakli didn’t like this, so he resigned and grudgingly left the country. Rumors followed that Irakli would join the opposition.
Misha didn’t care, he continued doing his job with double efforts — he opened more fountains and got into more scuffles with the northern empire. This was not so good for the country as the northerners used to buy a lot of products from Misha’s country, many people from Misha’s country lived there as well. One day, the evil empire said enough, and told Misha to sell his products in his favorite empire. Only there, Misha’s products were not needed as they had a lot of their own.
Misha didn’t mind this at all, as long as the statistics were right — and 14% growth satisfied him. In the meantime, local newspapers wrote about more bad news about Misha’s ministers, some even claimed that Misha’s uncles benefited from revolution more than anyone. Rumors also had it that the northern evil doers conducted business with Misha’s family. But he didn’t care, how many times he should repeat to everyone that the newspapers are worthless and probably financed by the northerners.
But everything changed one day. Irakli came back, full of revenge — he told everyone that Misha was plotting murder, oppressing people, stealing money, attacking the popular Orthodox church — all while dancing around the fountains he built.
Misha was upset that his Jedi Minister said so many “lies”. He thought it was a good time to remember Irakli’s sins when he was Minister and put him behind the bars. In the meantime, the fractured and unpopular opposition sensed a kill and united under the banner of freeing their former enemy Irakli. They organized protests, brought people to streets and vowed to continue until Irakli was released from prison.
Irakli shocked everyone by confessing his lies — he said he made all the noise to become even more popular. Someone posted a huge bail for him and he was released from prison. He was naturally upset, and so he stayed at home.
A lot of people were upset as well. They suspected that Irakli was held because he wanted to take Misha’s place, and not because of his sins in the past. The opposition also was upset. But, they regrouped, found a financier — Badri Patarkatsishvili, who was no friend to Misha — and started to organizing even more protests.
Misha has thought much what to do with Badri, who owned a television that Misha particularly disliked. Many of Misha’s ministers’ controversies were started by that particular television. He hated it because it only brought up the bad news, and never the good ones. Why they didn’t talk about the 14%? What about all the fountains? Cinemas? He just couldn’t understand.
Badri had a lot of wealth he obtained from the northern empire years back. He is still wanted there on charges of fraud. But because he was also linked with the people from Misha’s favorite empire, it was hard to get rid of him.
What can be done to a wealthy man like Badri? He finances the opposition, wants to take Misha’s place, but… has many powerful friends. On the advice from Misha’s favorite empire, it was decided that nothing would be done to him — instead a creative plot would be uncovered.
So — Badri was to become a traitor. Why, on what grounds? No one knows, but it’s sure he is a traitor ganged up with the wealthy oligarchs from the northern empire. But he is wanted on criminal charges there, how could he serve the interests of that empire?
It is quite simple explained Misha: Badri wants the country to destabilize, so that he could do business with his partners, sell everything to the northerners and to take his place. This is why he is a traitor. Simple.
Meanwhile, the opposition was busy preparing for the demonstrations — they toured the whole country looking for unhappy people, asking them to come and make their voices heard. They promised a better life, better future and of course, more gold in peoples’ pockets.
Misha understood it was a good time to help his people — he announced the president’s campaign to help people with some money. It was unexpectedly announced that around 65% of Misha’s people needed help!
Apparently the gold given to them by Misha was not enough. And so it happened: on November 2, tens of thousands of people showed up in front of the parliament demanding to hold the elections according to the constitution, and not 6 months later when Misha wanted to. This meant a democratic way to get rid of Misha. Both Misha’s favorite and hated empires covered this instance in details. Misha was upset because even the newspapers that he regularly read, started to concentrate on bad news. He was surprised that 14% didn’t matter all of a sudden — nor did the fountains.
Many people, mistreated after the days of revolution, showed up to tell Misha what the newspapers had been saying for years. Many good reasons, frustration, unhappiness and anger was brought with them.
Misha shrugged off peoples’ demands to replace him, saying that they served the interest of the northern evil doers. He promised he would not submit to blackmail of the oligarch’s opposition members and those handful of protesters who were most probably bribed to show up in front of the parliament. He also decided not to believe their numbers — and instructed his ministers to claim that around 20 thousand people showed up (20% of what the opposition counted).
In the meantime, the former Jedi Minister Irakli was sent out of the country for medical reasons. Some thought it was done because Misha didn’t want to see him at the demonstration, others said he went himself.
For 4 days people shouted “Misha, leave!”. For 4 days Misha couldn’t find good news to read… At least he hoped National Geographic would write something newsworthy about his country.
He couldn’t understand what exactly these people wanted: elections to be held when the constitution said?! So he came out and explained that the elections were moved 6 months ahead because the evil northerners had the elections at the same time and thus they could use Misha for a major provocation. Other reasons explaining the postponement of the elections were associated with the fears that the favorite military alliance would reject Misha’s country’s membership and that the separatists around Misha’s country could get independence.
If those fears realize — Misha could forget about his second term as the head revolutionary and about all the fun he could have for longer — especially if the elections are held amidst these misfortunes.
To make things ever worse, Misha’s arch enemy Irakli showed up on TV, saying that everything he said about Misha was true and that he would not stop before Misha is gone from the country… Many fresh accusations followed…
The situation became tense. The former Jedis, opposition members and Misha’s “one team” undertook the campaign of political cannibalism — many uncomfortable truths, and more are promised … Amidst all these, people endure cold, rain and wind to see what has been happening behind the construction of cinemas, fountains, play grounds and parks. Uncomfortable truths…
Who will win the showdown is yet to be seen, but, the story might not have a happy ending… It is hoped that the ending will involve overthrow of former Jedis, ministers, politicians and not the people with empty pockets.
